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1. It's Time to Chop That F*ckin Hair Off Your Head Get a F*ckin Haircut! It's Time to Chop That F*ckin Hair Off Your Head 1200
2. Your Ex-Boyfriend, Just Checking In... Just Checking In! Your Ex-Boyfriend, Just Checking In... 1088
3. Daddy Wants to Discuss Let's Talk About Drugs! Daddy Wants to Discuss "The Drugs" With You 1046
4. Well Wishes from your Ex Happy Engagement! Well Wishes from your Ex 1023
5. Congratulations from a Woodsman You Graduated! Congratulations from a Woodsman 975
6. Holy Odometer this is Exciting! Congratulations on Whatever! Holy Odometer this is Exciting! 920
7. I'm So Lonesome I Could Sniff Things Missing You! I'm So Lonesome I Could Sniff Things 877
8. The Spirit of Christmas Gets a Facelift Merry Christmas! The Spirit of Christmas Gets a Facelift 856
9. Let's Talk Baby Names You Got Pregnant! Let's Talk Baby Names 737
10. Knock-Knock Stab Happy Halloween! Knock-Knock Stab 721
11. This Salty Seamen Thinks You've Been a Real Dick You're Insensitive! This Salty Seamen Thinks You've Been a Real Dick 669
12. We Got Yer Mum! Stop the Kidnapping. We Got Yer Mum! 637
13. Marriage is F*cking Bliss Happy Engagement! Marriage is F*cking Bliss 628
14. Come On, Find that Sass Cheer Up, Girlfriend! Come On, Find that Sass 627
15. Coach Loosh Congratulates You, Sort Of You Got Pregnant! Coach Loosh Congratulates You, Sort Of 610
16. Now, if only this dirty old bum would move aside... I Love You So! Now, if only this dirty old bum would move aside... 601
17. From an Irish Potatoe Happy St. Patty's Day! From an Irish Potatoe 601
18. An Elf Calls it as She Sees it You're a Douche! An Elf Calls it as She Sees it 595
19. Coach Loosh Grieves for Your Little Lost Pet Sorry You Lost a Pet! Coach Loosh Grieves for Your Little Lost Pet 584
20. It's So Obvious You're Baked Right Now Everyone Knows You're High! It's So Obvious You're Baked Right Now 559
21. It's Time for a Change, Fatso Invite to Fat Camp! It's Time for a Change, Fatso 548
22. Daddy Remembers Your Conception Happy Birthday! Daddy Remembers Your Conception 538
23. I can't come, and please don't invite me again. RSVP to a Party! I can't come, and please don't invite me again. 529
24. Death Offers Icy Well-Wishes Get Well Soon! Death Offers Icy Well-Wishes 467
25. Daddy's Little Song Bird Is a Big Girl Now You're All Grown Up! Daddy's Little Song Bird Is a Big Girl Now 451
26. I Forgot Again, but I've Got a Good Reason Happy Anniversary Honey! I Forgot Again, but I've Got a Good Reason 430
27. Death Explains Hell on Earth Working Long Hours? Death Explains Hell on Earth 426
28. Daddy Remembers The Day You Were Born Happy Birthday! Daddy Remembers The Day You Were Born 413
29. Death Wishes you a Happy Birthday Happy Birthday! Death Wishes you a Happy Birthday 336
30. Death Congratulates You on a Good Day Having a Good Day!?! Death Congratulates You on a Good Day 293